Sunday, October 30, 2011

Adam Visits a Tea Party City – a short story

Just for Fun Series

Adam was born in Ameritown, now a Tea Party City, a community run completely by the Tea Party. Curious and somewhat supportive of the Tea Party, Adam decided to take a trip to Ameritown.

With excitement, Adam reached the city limits of Ameritown. 

And right at the city limits was a toll road.

He asked the toll taker, “I don’t remember this here before?”

“Yes, this is a Tea Party town and we sold off all the roads to private investors to cut down the cost of government.”


“Yes, to Tea Party entrepreneurs who bought up all government assets. The Mayor owns this. Five dollars please.”

“Five dollars? That’s pretty steep.”

“Yes, well if you don’t like the price, try our competition.”

“Competition for roads? There is no other road.”


Adam paid the money and continued on. The first thing Adam noticed was a curious road sign that said, “It’s Your Choice”. “What does that mean?”, thought Adam.

Then instantly there was a SCREECH, SLAM, BOOM, CRUNCH, GROAN, Adam’s car was hit broadside by a Semi truck and it went flying sideways and then rolled three times.

Adam was thrown from his car to the pavement where he lay dazed and bleeding. He had a massive hole in his skull. He lay staring up at the sky in a semi-conscious fog.

Just what did that sign mean? Well, in a Tea Party City there are no traffic lights or stop signs at all because these would be infringements on your personal liberty. Telling someone to stop or go or yield would be like fascism from big government. In Ameritown, Liberal Traffic Laws are rejected, people can do what they want, they have freedom of choice, unlike life in Liberal towns.

The road sign that Adam saw, “It’s Your Choice”, merely reminded drivers that they had a choice to stop or yield, it was up to them, no one was trying to force them to do anything. It’s their choice, it’s their safety after all, only they are to blame.

Adam lay bleeding on the roadway for some time, six hours. In Ameritown, the police force had been cut, so there were only volunteer cops, who were far and few between. When finally, a cop came, Adam was scolded for not watching the cross traffic, but the cop reminded him that it was his choice, no one else was responsible for his accident.

When Adam got to the hospital, a surgeon examined him in emergency. The surgeon asked him to sign a waiver.

Adam asked, “Why?” 

“Because I don’t have a medical license.”


“Yes, in a Tea Party liberation zone, you don’t have to have a medical license to practice surgery. In fact, we are against all licenses, because these are forms of Liberal fascism to create an elite of professionals and experts. We are against all regulation.”


“Licenses and standards are anti-democratic, they suppress my individual freedom to become a doctor. Now sign the waiver please.”

“What does it say?”

“It says you absolve me of liability if something goes wrong.”

“Well, no, I won’t do that!”

“Okay, then you are free to go.”

“But I need surgery, look at my head.”

“Well, that’s your choice, Adam. If you don’t want to sign the waiver then…”

“Okay, I will, but this is not constitutional at all.”

“Sure it is, in our Tea Party constitution, you can sign away your constitutional rights if you want. Adam, it’s your choice.”

“That’s an interesting way to get rid of someone’s rights.”

“You would only have yourself to blame.”

After his surgery and a week to recover, the surgeon came to visit Adam.

“Hi, I see you’re doing much better.”

“Yes, I am. Thank you.”

“Adam, here is my bill.”

He hands it to Adam.

Adam examines it. “$550,000?!”

“Yeah, I had to patch your skull back together. Remember, you had a big hole in it?”

“That’s way too high.”

“Adam, I can charge what I want, it is my individual right to do whatever pleases me. We deregulated pricing long ago.”

“But this is unfair. You’re like a monopoly, I had no choice. It wasn’t like a bunch of doctors bid for my surgery, you did this under duress. I can sue you.”

“No you can’t, we deregulated tort suits too. They are frivolous and cost the taxpayers millions.”

“But I don’t have that kind of cash.”

“Well, you should have never contracted for my services, if you had no intentions of paying.”

“But, I was going to die, I thought.”

“So, you did lie to me.”

“And this is really high….Why can’t I make a payment plan?”

‘No we deregulated that. No more payment plans in Ameritown. We got tired of all these liberal bleeding heart tactics.”

“But….I can’t pay this, you’ve got to give me a plan…there’s no other option.”

“Oh no, Adam, there is. You’re going to the Work Gang.”


“You’re going to work off your debt to me and do your penance for lying to me, a respected brain surgeon.”

“That wasn’t smart enough to get a license?”

The surgeon called the volunteer police to pick up Adam. 

8 hours later the cop showed up after supervising a stoning -- for in Ameritown there was no longer money to have prisons. If you committed a serious crime, you were not put in jail or executed, a mob was gathered by the volunteer police, and the transgressor was stoned to death or at least to serious injury. 

This was much cheaper, and according to some citizens, it was more entertaining, at least more so than professional wrestling or watching movie stars descend into psychotic behavior.                                                                                                                                                  

“First we are going to Obama-town, Adam.”

“What’s that?”

“This is where we sent all the parasites who lived off of our taxes -- the poor, the unemployed, the sick and disabled, the elderly and orphaned children.”

“How do they get by now?”

“I don’t know. Some charity, survivalism and work gangs like you.”

They drive into the entrance of Obama-town. It’s a horrid and shocking place. People living in tents and shacks, people lying in the streets, sick, dying or dead.

The volunteer cop finds Adam a spot in a decaying barracks.

“This was once an army base, but we voted to replace a big government military with a mercenary one that fends for itself.”

“A mercenary military?”


“Where is it now?”

“Oh, they left the country, they got better money from the Saudis, so their putting down a revolution there.”

Adam is stunned by the suffering in Obama-town.

“Don’t pay them any mind. It’s their own fault you know. They don’t want to work, didn’t want to graduate from school, didn’t make enough money for a decent retirement. They chose this life.”

“But this is awful.”

“Don’t feel sorry for them, as our signs say, “It’s Your Choice.” And they chose.”

“But look at that lady, she is probably someone’s grandmother.”

“Yes, so? Parents, grandparents make their choices. Don’t be sentimental, you lose your grip on the cold facts of reality.”

“Even the sick and disabled, is it their fault, is it the orphaned children’s fault?”

“Well that is not a choice but we have another principle of no government benefits, no handouts, it promotes bad behavior…but we have some charity.”

“But people here don’t seem to be very charitable, I mean, they are really selfish.”

“Yes, that is the natural and healthy way to be. Life is cruel, you’ve got to think of number one, only the strong survive, Tea Party principles reflect the truth of life. You’ve got to struggle against all others, don’t let anyone suppress your individual freedom. And that’s why we all carry handguns.”


Adam exhausted goes to sleep on the floor of the dingy barracks.

The next morning, the work gang guards show up. They collect up the indigents who are to work.

They are driven to a vast forest to cut timber. It is a beautiful forest extends for many miles. They drive into it, but after about 50 feet of trees, they enter a hollow interior that is ravaged dead zone of razed trees and piles of debris that extend to the horizon.

“What happened here?” Adam asks a fellow worker.

“You know all the forest and parks and government land were sold off because it was too expensive to maintain, and we had so many debts to pay caused by the liberals. So the Tea Party Entrepreneurs bought this forest. And they’re cutting it down for a lot of cash and creating jobs.”

Adam spent a grueling day chain sawing great and beautiful trees, the whole experience began to make him sick. His head began to hurt again, and blood began to seep from his wound, he wiped off the blood as worked.

At lunch they broke off for a break. But the workers had no food they sat on the ground looking hungry and tired. The guards and foreman however drove off in their trucks to local diner.

They came back an hour and burst out of their vehicles vomiting. Why? Public health rules for restaurants were removed because this was seen as regulation, a suppression of the freedom of restaurant owners.

Adam walked by one of them and commented sardonically:  “Well, it was your choice, you know, it’s your fault.”

“I know, I’ll take my trade elsewhere.”

Adam chuckled, little did the guard understand that “elsewhere” had no public health standards either.

Adam decided to escape from the work gang, because things were going from bad to worse. And this was a good moment as the guards and foremen were throwing up. He snuck over to a truck and stole a rifle and shells. He ran across the devastated landscape out to the horizon to freedom.

Eventually, Adam got to a section of the vast forest that had not been logged yet. He was very hungry so he began to hunt but he found there was no game -- no rabbits, no deer, no squirrels, no quail, nothing. Because all restrictions in hunting had been removed hunters had killed everything that moved.

Adam kept moving through the virgin forest and he came into a clearing, and there ahead of him was a nuclear power plant. Its towers reflected the sun like pyramids in the desert distance. After a few minutes Adam noticed that something was wrong. Black smoke was belching from a tower, there were flames and then he began to hear a siren.

Vehicles filled with panicked workers sped by him.

What had happened? The plant was melting down. The Tea Party had deregulated all business, and especially nuclear power facilities. Being consistent and bold they extended their philosophy of restriction to the most dangerous of industries.

And now Ameritown was having a meltdown. Adam began to run from power plant but it was too late, the facility exploded into a green and red irradiated fireball. Burning debris fell from the heavens all around him, Adam was struck by a fuel rod, his clothes caught fire, he fell to the ground and rolled to put out the flames. Adam then got up and ran for his life.

He found a truck abandoned by someone and he drove irradiated, burned and bleeding to Ameritown.

He saw a sign advertising a city council meeting at the local school, Mc-School, which had been sold to McDonalds to save money.

He rushed into an auditorium and exclaimed, “The power plant just exploded! It’s having a meltdown!”

The Mayor went to window and looked toward the plant, he could see a smoking glowing aurora.

“Well, the citizens took their chances, they knew that nuclear power could be dangerous. They have only themselves to blame because they chose to have it.”

The audience responds, “Yes, that’s right, it’s their fault.”

“Well it was a big mistake to deregulate everything!, yelled Adam.

“No, it would have been immoral to do otherwise.”

“But there are people that need help, you’ve got to send the police and doctors to help.”

“We no longer have city services do that, we voted to cut all of that long ago.”

“But what about collective need?”

“It’s too expensive and what if someone doesn’t want to pay tax for that need, they can’t be forced pay for what they don’t want, it is an oppression of their individual freedom. There is no collective need, that’s a Liberal delusion.”

The audience cheers.

“Well, is being irradiated by a big green fireball a restriction of your personal liberty?”

“Shut up, liberal fascist!”, yells someone from the crowd

The Mayor continues, “Look radiation is another one of those Liberal lies like global warming, radiation is not that bad for you, there is mounting evidence on that.”

“From Tea Party scientists? What is wrong with you people? You are deluded in a trance of some sort.”

“No, we see quite clearly now, young man.”

“I think this city of yours is barbaric. You haven’t even gotten to the level of Moses, you’re taking people back to the level of surviving like wild animals.”

A voice shouts from the audience: “Moses, was a busy body, always telling people what to do!”

The Mayor glares at Adam, “But wait a second here. Adam, are you from here?”

“What? Yes, I was born here but I moved and came back.”

“Okay, but who are your people?”

“What do you mean?”

“What is your background?”

“What does that matter?”

“I mean are you Mexican?”

“Yes. No, I’m Mexican American.”

“I thought so.”

“I’m from here, my people were here before your people by several hundred years.”

“Okay, Adam, well many people here don’t feel comfortable with your kind, so you are going to have to leave Ameritown.”

“Leave? Why? I thought Ameritown was the place of individual freedom, where there was liberty for all.”

“It is the place of individual freedom, and many individuals do not like your kind.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Our individual views are that we don’t want your individuality here in our town. We have our own thing here and you are not included. We are exercising our individual freedom by removing you.”

“But that isn’t a true principle of individual freedom if one group wants to suppress the individuality of another group. Seems to me we should all try to get along and accept the differences.”

“No, Adam, you fail to understand our Tea Party principles, we are for our individual freedom only. Not necessarily yours. And there are more of us than you, that’s why you’re called a minority.”

“But that’s fascism.”

“No, Adam your suppression of our freely chosen prejudice is fascism.” 

“My suppression of your fascism is fascism?”

Adam finally gets the gravity of the situation, he sighs and frowns. This last bit of illogic was the final straw. His anger now has gone, Adam passes to disappointment and then to fear, he begins to tremble.

With that Adam is grabbed by 5 volunteer police who, though usually unavailable, are always present for a deportation

He’s put in squad car and driven to city limits.  The cops drag him out of the back seat, carry him to the toll gate and toss him over it. He hits the pavement with a thud. The volunteer cops drive away.

Adam gets himself up. Bleeding, exhausted and sick with radiation poisoning he looks at the toll booth and then examines a road sign: “It’s Your Choice”.

“And you chose wrong”, he mutters.

He began the long walk home trying to hitch a ride from a generous stranger – also, perhaps, fleeing from Ameritown.

End of Story

Cage Innoye

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